The “I am in no way interested in this, regardless of whose mother this Asian man sampled” email
Press Immediate Release
Free Download: ***** - “*****”
New Vintage Rap single written and recorded by LA Vietnamese rapper/experimentalist/filmmaker, ***** (*****). Sampling Geoge Clooney’s mother, Rosemary Clooney, ***** drops the poetry and writes bluntly how he feels about pottymouth songs, confirming him an out of the box thinker. We thought it was going to be a 2013 Asian man’s version of Too Shorts song of the same title, but nope. ***** keeps it honest and tells it how he feels.
Don’t even know where to start. (By the by, the parenthetical after the artist name is how to pronounce the name, the only good part of this email.) So … he’s not writing pottymouth songs or parodizing them or anything … he’s writing about how they make him feel? Sorry, but that doesn’t make you an “out of the box thinker”. That just makes you a human being with opinions. Welcome to the species. Also, what is “Vintage Rap” and how can it be “New”?
And hey, if this dude is also an experimentalist/filmmaker, tell me about that interesting stuff instead of his shitty “new old rap” crap.
The “I Wouldn’t Have Really Known This Was an Impersonal email Until You Pointed It Out, Dipshit” email
Please excuse the impersonal bulk email, just wanted to do one final follow-up on this, which is released tomorrow.
…[blah blah blah]…”
Could’ve just said, “Hey, this record is released tomorrow. Check it out here: ___insert link___.” But no, you had to make sure I knew that you were mass emailing a bunch of bloggers whose sites you’d never read. Thanks for helping make sure I don’t get past the first line.
The “This Band You Don’t Like Is Doing Something Crazy On Tour Nowhere Near You” email
***** RETURN TO MEXICO THIS SUMMER
Band To Unveil Brand New Stage Featuring Iconic Elements Spanning Its 30-Year Career
LOS ANGELES, CA - March 15, 2012 - ***** today announced they would return to Mexico one month after the ***** weekend and will unveil a mind-blowing new stage that needs to be seen to be believed. This 140x50-foot stage will feature colossal components and striking visual elements spanning *****’s entire 30-year career.
Wow. This *stage* needs to be seen to be believed? I’ll just wait for a photo, thankyouverymuch. In the mean time, neither me nor my readers give a shit about this.
The “This Text Is Too Crazily Formatted To Be Able To Read It Without Causing A Headache” email
hello people hello people hello people hello people hello people hello people hello people hello people hello people hello people WE JUST FINISHED OUR FIRST 7”.
LISTEN TO IT AT OUR BANDCAMPPPPPPPP
The press loves this band!
In August 2011 they defeated ***** and ***** for the number video of the week on *****.com with “*********************”!….no small feat for an unsigned band!
BRIGHT COLORS …… RANDOM HIGHLIGHTING …….. CAN’T FOCUS …. ON …. WORDSSSSSS ………
Also … what is a “number video”?
The Tour Skips Your City email
***** are totally and completely touring!
It is with profound delight and buckets upon buckets of joy that we announce that ***** are heading out on the open road to bring live music all up in your faces and ear holes.
You may be asking yourself right now, “but wait, how do I know if they’re coming to MY town?” Take a peep off to the left there and gaze upon those fine fine dates. Mark them in your daily planners, and set aside some money for a new outfit to wear. I’m not even kidding. We need to all collectively take fun more seriously.
WOW! Thanks for bothering to check that my city isn’t included on that tour schedule and reminding me that, should I not recognize that fact, I should just … oh, fuck, what was it? OH YEAH, I SHOULD JUST READ THE FUCKING LIST YOU SENT ME. You are fucking Smee to Captain Obvious, my non-friend, so stop pretending we are friends and stop pretending you have witty humor. This shitty band will NOT visit my city in the next 4 months so I will NOT write about them in the next 12 months. Thanks for trying. In the mean time, leave my face and ear hole alone, fucknuts.
By the by, I LOVE fun. I am having scrotums-full of fun right now, so go fuck yourself with you scrotum-less, “collective” fun.
The mp3 Attachment + Myspace Link email
"you’ve been so very kind to me in the past and i was wondering if you’d consider giving this new tune of mine a listen. it’s called ‘*****’…
or, if you don’t want to open a link you can listen to it here:
thanks a bunch!”
You’re spot on, pal. I do NOT want to open a link (and by that, you mean mp3 attachment, of course). Better yet, I do not want to RECEIVE those attachments, clogging up my inbox and taking up tons of data space, on top of all of these inane messages.
And you got the memo, right? MYSPACE IS DEAD! Hop on the Bandcamp wagon already, jeez.
Plus, who the fuck are you? I’ve never been so very kind to you before, but thanks for trying to jog my nonexistent memory.
The Cool Shit Happened Somewhere Else email
"FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
***** PLAYS THEIR SECOND SOLD-OUT SHOW AT ***** IN *****
It’s the year of the Dragon but ***** is breathing its own fire. On Friday, *****, this new hot band played to an over-capacity crowd at ***** in *****. An eager crowd lined the streets, but only advance ticket holders were allowed to enter. “I had friends from ***** who were texting me that they couldn’t get in. I was blown away!” ***** stated. “And we were the opening act!” ***** opened for *****, and was followed by ***** and *****. The venue was packed the entire evening, proving that the ***** music scene is sizzling.”
Hold the fucking phone. Some cool shit went down in that city way over there that’s not the one where I am? Some no-name fucking un-buzz band got lucky because there were $1 PBRs that night and a bunch of scene-jonesing hipsters showed up? NO WAY! I absolutely better *immediately release* this information to the rest of my readership that doesn’t live in that city! I bet they wanna know about it, too!
The Punny Remix email
"Hey *****, here’s a brand new remix from *****’s ***** appropriately remixing, “*****.” I really think this is the best ***** remix out there so far, completely thoughtful and down-tempo…please let me know what you think! “
Here’s what I think. I don’t give a shit about any of these remixes, let alone what you think is “the best one out there”. I do appreciate the pun relating the song title and band name, I really do, but it makes me wonder if that band just chose this song to make that connection in these emails. And who are you anyway? Why do you even care about this song/band/remix? And what’s up with the change of font with “down-tempo”. Are you trying to make another lame joke? Keep it to one per email, pal.
The Blankity Blank Blank email
The Captain Obvious email
"Dear music enthusiast,
we are ***** from *****, *****. We’re quite aware that lots of bands and musicians bother you with inquiries all the time. So do we.”