The “I am in no way interested in this, regardless of whose mother this Asian man sampled” email
Press Immediate Release
Free Download: ***** - “*****”
New Vintage Rap single written and recorded by LA Vietnamese rapper/experimentalist/filmmaker, ***** (*****). Sampling Geoge Clooney’s mother, Rosemary Clooney, ***** drops the poetry and writes bluntly how he feels about pottymouth songs, confirming him an out of the box thinker. We thought it was going to be a 2013 Asian man’s version of Too Shorts song of the same title, but nope. ***** keeps it honest and tells it how he feels.
Don’t even know where to start. (By the by, the parenthetical after the artist name is how to pronounce the name, the only good part of this email.) So … he’s not writing pottymouth songs or parodizing them or anything … he’s writing about how they make him feel? Sorry, but that doesn’t make you an “out of the box thinker”. That just makes you a human being with opinions. Welcome to the species. Also, what is “Vintage Rap” and how can it be “New”?
And hey, if this dude is also an experimentalist/filmmaker, tell me about that interesting stuff instead of his shitty “new old rap” crap.
The “I Wouldn’t Have Really Known This Was an Impersonal email Until You Pointed It Out, Dipshit” email
Please excuse the impersonal bulk email, just wanted to do one final follow-up on this, which is released tomorrow.
…[blah blah blah]…”
Could’ve just said, “Hey, this record is released tomorrow. Check it out here: ___insert link___.” But no, you had to make sure I knew that you were mass emailing a bunch of bloggers whose sites you’d never read. Thanks for helping make sure I don’t get past the first line.
The “This Band You Don’t Like Is Doing Something Crazy On Tour Nowhere Near You” email
***** RETURN TO MEXICO THIS SUMMER
Band To Unveil Brand New Stage Featuring Iconic Elements Spanning Its 30-Year Career
LOS ANGELES, CA - March 15, 2012 - ***** today announced they would return to Mexico one month after the ***** weekend and will unveil a mind-blowing new stage that needs to be seen to be believed. This 140x50-foot stage will feature colossal components and striking visual elements spanning *****’s entire 30-year career.
Wow. This *stage* needs to be seen to be believed? I’ll just wait for a photo, thankyouverymuch. In the mean time, neither me nor my readers give a shit about this.
The “There’s No Way You’re Into This Genre But I Didn’t Do My Homework” Email
I am not a DJ. I don’t care about DJs or the club scene or the European dance charts. (I also don’t care for your inability to hit the space bar, but that’s another matter.) So why are you telling me about this? Have you even read my blog? You’d realize there’s nothing danceable about it! And I mean that in a good way! Please keep your shitty house music to yourself. It’ll save you the trouble of constructing a poorly-written, boringly laudatory email, and it’ll save me the trouble of having to think about how this shitty music exists.
The “This Text Is Too Crazily Formatted To Be Able To Read It Without Causing A Headache” email
hello people hello people hello people hello people hello people hello people hello people hello people hello people hello people WE JUST FINISHED OUR FIRST 7”.
LISTEN TO IT AT OUR BANDCAMPPPPPPPP
The press loves this band!
In August 2011 they defeated ***** and ***** for the number video of the week on *****.com with “*********************”!….no small feat for an unsigned band!
BRIGHT COLORS …… RANDOM HIGHLIGHTING …….. CAN’T FOCUS …. ON …. WORDSSSSSS ………
Also … what is a “number video”?
The Reaching Really Hard For Interesting Things To Share About This Band You Don’t Actually Care About email
" ***MEDIA ALERT***MEDIA ALERT***MEDIA ALERT***
FIRST CLIP OF *****’S FIRST DAY IN THE STUDIO “
Wow. Wow. Wow. I gave you three “Wow”s because you gave me three ALL CAPS “MEDIA ALERT” WARNINGS for this piece of shit NON-NEWS story. I have never cared about this band, and I will continue to not care about this band, especially not after seeing a 2:00 Youtube clip of their first day back in the studio after doing … whatever the fuck it is they’ve been doing since whatever the fuck they were doing before that. I don’t even know.
But, personal indifference aside, this just shows ZERO effort on your part to tailor your emails to your audience. If you even LOOKED at my blog, you would realize immediately that I wouldn’t post about this band, that I wouldn’t share some shitty ”news” story like this that I can’t really write about. Thanks for taking the time to even think about whether I want to read your “media alerts”. You’re just ensuring that I will continue to delete every future email I get from you.
The This Video Is Small-Scale Viral email
***** only uploaded their video for their free single ***** 4 days ago and it’s reached almost 28,000 views (27,952 views to be exact) - a terrific reaction to the track, which is taken from their forthcoming EP *****.
The video perfectly encapsulates the feeling of the single and is made even more impressive due appearances by the like of ***** (*****), ***** (*****), ***** (*****) and ***** (*****).
Am I supposed to be impressed by this? Should I be more likely to listen to this tune because of how many people flocked to it? Because I’m not, let’s clear that up right now. Given that lengthy string of people and bands you provided—none of whom I have even remotely heard of, by the way, so they could be names of strangers you interviewed at your local dive—I wouldn’t be so surprised if you just chain emailed this link around to your friends and family to pad the stats. If you get that many people involved in making a video, OF COURSE THEY’RE GONNA WATCH IT AND TELL THE FRIENDS. Too bad you can’t quote me the stats on the number of people who accidentally clicked your link here and had to turn the song off in 12 seconds because it sucks so hard. I bet that’s way more than you think it is (a lot more, to be exact).
The Tour Skips Your City email
***** are totally and completely touring!
It is with profound delight and buckets upon buckets of joy that we announce that ***** are heading out on the open road to bring live music all up in your faces and ear holes.
You may be asking yourself right now, “but wait, how do I know if they’re coming to MY town?” Take a peep off to the left there and gaze upon those fine fine dates. Mark them in your daily planners, and set aside some money for a new outfit to wear. I’m not even kidding. We need to all collectively take fun more seriously.
WOW! Thanks for bothering to check that my city isn’t included on that tour schedule and reminding me that, should I not recognize that fact, I should just … oh, fuck, what was it? OH YEAH, I SHOULD JUST READ THE FUCKING LIST YOU SENT ME. You are fucking Smee to Captain Obvious, my non-friend, so stop pretending we are friends and stop pretending you have witty humor. This shitty band will NOT visit my city in the next 4 months so I will NOT write about them in the next 12 months. Thanks for trying. In the mean time, leave my face and ear hole alone, fucknuts.
By the by, I LOVE fun. I am having scrotums-full of fun right now, so go fuck yourself with you scrotum-less, “collective” fun.
The mp3 Attachment + Myspace Link email
"you’ve been so very kind to me in the past and i was wondering if you’d consider giving this new tune of mine a listen. it’s called ‘*****’…
or, if you don’t want to open a link you can listen to it here:
thanks a bunch!”
You’re spot on, pal. I do NOT want to open a link (and by that, you mean mp3 attachment, of course). Better yet, I do not want to RECEIVE those attachments, clogging up my inbox and taking up tons of data space, on top of all of these inane messages.
And you got the memo, right? MYSPACE IS DEAD! Hop on the Bandcamp wagon already, jeez.
Plus, who the fuck are you? I’ve never been so very kind to you before, but thanks for trying to jog my nonexistent memory.