Monday, June 24, 2013

The “I am in no way interested in this, regardless of whose mother this Asian man sampled” email

Press Immediate Release

Free Download: ***** - “*****”

New Vintage Rap single written and recorded by LA Vietnamese rapper/experimentalist/filmmaker, ***** (*****). Sampling Geoge Clooney’s mother, Rosemary Clooney, ***** drops the poetry and writes bluntly how he feels about pottymouth songs, confirming him an out of the box thinker. We thought it was going to be a 2013 Asian man’s version of Too Shorts song of the same title, but nope. ***** keeps it honest and tells it how he feels.

Don’t even know where to start. (By the by, the parenthetical after the artist name is how to pronounce the name, the only good part of this email.) So … he’s not writing pottymouth songs or parodizing them or anything … he’s writing about how they make him feel? Sorry, but that doesn’t make you an “out of the box thinker”. That just makes you a human being with opinions. Welcome to the species. Also, what is “Vintage Rap” and how can it be “New”?

And hey, if this dude is also an experimentalist/filmmaker, tell me about that interesting stuff instead of his shitty “new old rap” crap.

The “I Wouldn’t Have Really Known This Was an Impersonal email Until You Pointed It Out, Dipshit” email

Hi All,

Please excuse the impersonal bulk email, just wanted to do one final follow-up on this, which is released tomorrow.

…[blah blah blah]…”

Could’ve just said, “Hey, this record is released tomorrow. Check it out here: ___insert link___.” But no, you had to make sure I knew that you were mass emailing a bunch of bloggers whose sites you’d never read. Thanks for helping make sure I don’t get past the first line.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

The “This Band You Don’t Like Is Doing Something Crazy On Tour Nowhere Near You” email


Band To Unveil Brand New Stage Featuring Iconic Elements Spanning Its 30-Year Career

LOS ANGELES, CA - March 15, 2012 - ***** today announced they would return to Mexico one month after the ***** weekend and will unveil a mind-blowing new stage that needs to be seen to be believed.   This 140x50-foot stage will feature colossal components and striking visual elements spanning *****’s entire 30-year career.

Wow. This *stage* needs to be seen to be believed? I’ll just wait for a photo, thankyouverymuch. In the mean time, neither me nor my readers give a shit about this.

The “There’s No Way You’re Into This Genre But I Didn’t Do My Homework” Email

"For Immediate Release
*****, a vibrant young recording artist who co-wrote songs: “*****”, and “*****”, all topped the European DJ promotional charts at #1. These tracks twist and turn through Euro-style beats with a distinctly American pop sensibility. Its like if Katy Perry and DJ Tiesto got it on and made a beautiful electro-pop baby.
***** released her first full-length record “*****”, independently on *****, 2012. The first single, “*****” which also opens the start of the record from***** is exotic. The song is a feel good dance floor anthem with electric-beats that ultimately take you to the club scene. Another track, “*****”, which spent several weeks at No. 1 on the European dance charts, catches your ears and makes you repeatedly sing the catchy chorus: “You want the pain, you want to be stung”. The record ends with ”*****”, a 70’s punk-disco vibe that leaves you yearning for more.
I have a very strong idea about what I want,” declares *****. That “strong idea” has translated into some impressive #1 hits
overseas for the sexy dance siren. This girl has got the goods to burn up any dance floor, and she’s
bound to be blaring in clubs worldwide very soon.”

I am not a DJ. I don’t care about DJs or the club scene or the European dance charts. (I also don’t care for your inability to hit the space bar, but that’s another matter.) So why are you telling me about this? Have you even read my blog? You’d realize there’s nothing danceable about it! And I mean that in a good way! Please keep your shitty house music to yourself. It’ll save you the trouble of constructing a poorly-written, boringly laudatory email, and it’ll save me the trouble of having to think about how this shitty music exists.

Monday, February 27, 2012


Friday, February 24, 2012

The “This Text Is Too Crazily Formatted To Be Able To Read It Without Causing A Headache” email

hello people hello people hello people hello people hello people hello people hello people hello people hello people hello people WE JUST FINISHED OUR FIRST 7”.


The press loves this band!

In August 2011 they defeated ***** and ***** for the number video of the week on *****.com with “*********************”!….no small feat for an unsigned band!


Also … what is a “number video”?

Thursday, February 23, 2012 Wednesday, February 22, 2012



Earlier today I fake retweeted @KimKardashian saying she got tickets to see Kraftwerk at the MoMA. People were not pleased. 

Jake - we’re going to be friends one day.



I just don’t understand how nobody has jumped on this particular award for my band’s Kickstarter campaign. It’s such a deal!

 Seriously, guys.




I just don’t understand how nobody has jumped on this particular award for my band’s Kickstarter campaign. It’s such a deal!

Seriously, guys.
Monday, February 20, 2012